I'm Hormonal | PCOS, periods, gut + hormone health insights

Exploring Desire, Emotions, and Body Connection with Psychotherapist Laura Federico | Ep. 77

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In this episode, we dive deep into the relationship between hormonal health and sexual desire, exploring how mental and emotional factors play crucial roles in our sexuality. We discuss the importance of cycle tracking, body connection, and the inevitable intersection of trauma and self-discovery.

• Understanding psychotherapy and its role in sexual health
• The barriers preventing clarity in sexual desires
• Importance of self-compassion in body awareness
• The impact of hormonal cycles on libido and desire
• Recommendations for reconnecting with one’s body
• Cycle tracking as a tool for understanding sexuality

Resources referenced in episode:
- Dr. Lori Brotto and her book, "Better Sex Through Mindfulness"
- The book "Come As You Are" by Emily Nagoski

BUY THE CYCLE BOOK & CONNECT WITH THE AUTHORS
www.thecyclebook.com
Instagram - @thecyclebook
Laura Federico's website - laurafedericotherapy.com
Morgan's website - morganmillermidwifery.com

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Speaker 1:

Welcome to I'm Hormonal, your source of information about women's hormone health and how to support your body naturally.

Speaker 1:

I'm your host, bridget Walton, and I'm a certified functional hormone specialist and menstrual cycle coach. I am on a mission to hold these hormone conversations with as many menstruators as possible because you deserve easier access to accurate information about what's up with your unruly menstrual cycle and with your fertility mysteries. Don't you think it's time that we figure this out once and for all? Hey team, welcome to today's episode of I'm Hormonal. I'm your host, bridget Walton, and I'm excited to bring you a conversation today that I had with Laura Federico. She was also on the podcast last week because she is one of the authors of the Cycle Book, but this week I had her on just her and I to talk about all things sex and relationship therapy related. Laura is a psychotherapist and a certified sex and relationship therapist and I wanted to talk to her well because she's exceptionally lovely, but also because I have conversations with women from time to time who say hey, bridget, I think my hormones are off because, you know, I just have like no libido. I'm not interested in sex, and while certainly sometimes that's the case, that's totally valid. There are also many, many other things emotional, mental, related that can impact your desire, or lack thereof, to engage in any sort of sexual behavior with your partner or with yourself. So I think you're really going to enjoy this episode. I really loved talking to Laura about how you can connect more with your body. We did talk more about how cycle tracking can really impact and benefit what's going on when it comes to your sexuality, and I think you're going to get a lot from this conversation that is different than what I normally talk about on the podcast here but is so relevant and immediately adjacent to what's going on with your hormones. So I'm excited for you to hear it, and we will get there in just one second.

Speaker 1:

But first I want to say welcome, welcome. If this is your first time listening to I'm Hormonal, I'm really glad that you found me Again. My name is Bridget and I started this podcast back like almost a year and a half ago because I think it's really important that we talk about women's health, that we talk about periods, that we talk about hormones and so you can understand how to make sense of what your body is trying to tell you and how you can really feel your best you have been here before, then. Thank you for coming back, because I know that you have so many great options of podcasts to listen to or music to put in your ears, so the fact that you are listening is not lost on me. And I also want to say thank you again to those of you who have been rating and reviewing the podcast. I really love to see the reviews that you leave, the comments that you've got, and friendly reminder that, for any of you who you know, if you have a specific topic that you want to hear me talk about, I would love to hear what you want to hear about. So you can connect with me on Instagram at Bridget Walton, or, if you check out the link in the show notes, there should be a button at the top that says something like text us, or like send us a text, and you can also send me a message that way. So check that out.

Speaker 1:

Two more quick housekeeping notes and then we will get to the conversation with Laura. Remind you that the information that I share with you here is for educational purposes only and shouldn't be used as a replacement for any sort of medical advice, diagnosis or other one-on-one support from the practitioner. That's right for you. So if there's anything more nuanced or that you need support on, just make sure you're reaching out to the right person. I also just like to let you know that today right, if you're listening to this episode on the day it came out it's a Tuesday.

Speaker 1:

That's when my longer form episodes come out for you all, and on Thursdays is when there'll be a mini episode that comes out where I'll kind of either recap I'll either recap what we talked about on Tuesday, so we have just a mini, bite-sized version of what to come back to or I'll really just dive into one specific area of what we talked about on Tuesday. So sometimes you'll have solo episodes just me or you'll have interviews, and so that's what you can expect here at I'm Hormonal. Okay, gang, I am done here with intro. I won't hold you up anymore. I really hope you enjoy this conversation with Laura. Make sure to check out the link to pre-order the Cycle Book. Oh wait, no, by the time this episode comes out, I think it'll be live. So anyway, you can go to thecyclebookcom to order her book. All right, guys, we'll see you on the other side.

Speaker 1:

One of the things that I'm really curious to talk to you about is the intersection of hormone balance or imbalance, and where that meets with the mental, emotional side of things like confidence, desire, libido. I have a lot of gals who come to me perhaps you do as well who say I don't ever feel like having sex or like being in that kind of mood, so there must be something off. But of course sometimes that's not the case. So maybe we can get into that in just a minute here. But first, for anybody who's new to hearing about psychotherapy or new to sex and relationship therapy, could you explain like what it is that you do and how you work with clients and just get us oriented there.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely so. Psychotherapy is a sort of umbrella term for a lot of different types of talk therapy. There are a lot of different types of interventions used within talk therapy. Some are more body, somatic, physical based. Some are more thought, cognition based. Some are a little bit more psychodynamic or analytic and examining some lived experiences. Some involve family systems.

Speaker 2:

Are all these amazing, incredible ways to work with who we are, what types of things we've lived through and how to understand how that affects every part of our lives today? And sex therapy is a way to integrate all of those things, to help people understand their sexuality. So, as with all of our experiences, our sexuality is based on the context that we come from, the culture that surrounded us at different points in time and today, the way we relate to our bodies, what we were taught about our bodies, what pleasure means to us. All of it is so connected and complex and fascinating that sex therapy is a way to really get into all of that and help people not only define how they want to feel sexually, but to figure out a pathway to get there.

Speaker 1:

I am really curious what you think and we're like really getting into it, I guess. But when it comes to the context that you mentioned of how we relate to our bodies, how we connect to our bodies, is there something that stands out to you as like the biggest kind of obstacle to that, or maybe just something that really impacts our perception of those things? But maybe some of your clients aren't aware of and it kind of takes a little extra questioning to get to that obstacle.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, you mentioned earlier this idea of people coming to you and saying, I don't know, like really, when I want to have sex, it doesn't really feel like a strong impulse for me, it's not really present. I think the first obstacle for so many people is just figuring out what they want their sexuality to look like, because there are so many confusing messages around how we're supposed to be, what good sex is, what sex is in general, and I think that we have so many barriers that are preventing us from actually being able to tune into, like what actually turns us on and what that looks like and what feels good, that to me, sometimes uncovering everything, to kind of get to that point, is the starting point of the work.

Speaker 1:

There's got to be so many like it's different for every single person. Is there a particular like? How do you even start to explore that? Somebody who's like oh my gosh, how do I figure out what I want?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I think that it's so exciting to begin that process, because what people want is often so different and so surprising even to themselves, and I think a really good place to start is to look to the systems around us just to understand what sort of blueprint do we have and does that feel like the right fit?

Speaker 2:

So, for example, maybe we can kind of like go back to our childhoods and ask ourselves when did I first and this is a really simple way in learn what sex was? And just the answer to that question can be so illuminating. And when we think about what a lot of people say, they learn what sex was through often like a pretty narrow, sometimes kind of terrifying or upsetting sort of pathway, and there's often a lot of shame and sometimes a lot of pressure and really a lack of space to ask questions. And so people begin telling themselves a story about what sex is from a very young age that has so little to do with like what feels good to them. And I think that to just ask you know ourselves that question like how do we learn about sex, how did it feel when we learned what sex was, and when did we begin to maybe change our minds about that. Just that journey is fascinating, I think yeah, the other thing too.

Speaker 1:

Not the other thing, but like another facet of that I'm thinking of. Is that, of course? Well, of course there is the like solo experience, but when you're having sex with a partner, it's not just your experience, it's like also all of their context and how they learned about everything, and so that is like a real jigsaw puzzle to put together sometimes.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely Nicely said. A jigsaw puzzle is like such a great image to go with this.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I am trying to think too, like I don't even remember as a kid, when I actually learned what sex was, maybe just beyond knowing that there was something for adults, like if it was a movie or something that not that my parents are watching, something like particularly weird, but they'd be like oh, you guys, just you know, stay downstairs or stay in your bedrooms while we're watching this or stay in your bedrooms while we're watching this. But that was really kind of the context that I got, which maybe is a pretty soft landing of just like, oh, there's just something interesting, or like private that's happening, yes, and hearing you share that.

Speaker 2:

I mean, what you learned was that this is something that is not okay for everyone, it's only available for adults, and there's no information for you to receive at this point in time. It's sort of the absence of something right, and I think that that's also really interesting. Where you're receiving something helpful there which is, hey, this is something that, at a certain point in time, will be like relevant for you, but you're also receiving this message Like don't ask, right, like like don't come in, don't ask, like we're not going to tell you, but like something is forbidden.

Speaker 1:

A little bit here, right? Yeah, oh, my gosh, wait not to just make this story time about like memories from my childhood, but that just reminded me, like when I was I don't know, I don't remember how old I was, but my parents were watching Austin Powers and I don't even remember what part of the movie came up. But I asked my mom, or you know, like, what is this thing? And she just says, oh, I'll tell you when you're 18. So, like the same thing. I'm just that's like a future Bridget piece of information. Yeah, I'm curious, kind of coming back to my original prompt that I kicked us off with but is that something that you have clients come to you with, kicked us off with? But is that something that you have clients come to you with? Like, thinking, of course you work with clients in like a larger range of context, but they come to you and they're like I think that something is off hormonally that's preventing me from, you know, having a higher libido or more interest. Is that something that is relevant for you and your clients?

Speaker 2:

It's definitely relevant, but I wouldn't say that people are coming to me saying I think that this is the cause of what's going on for me. Often there's a feeling that something in terms of arousal and desire and how sex feels isn't where my client wants it to be. It doesn't feel like them, it doesn't feel like how they've understood themselves, but they don't know exactly what has changed or why that has happened. And often because the way that we're taught, or not taught again about hormones doesn't really include much beyond how they relate to our fertility or how they potentially relate to some sort of gynecological dysfunction, we don't really have enough information to understand if our hormonal cycles do actually, in fact, are arousal and desire and for many people they really really do and outside of the physical element of sex, I think they also often impact the way on or open to a lot of new experiences and sometimes we feel like we want to be more closed off, more protective, a little bit closer to home. We want to have touch, feel very different.

Speaker 2:

Romance is not top of mind and for so many people that I work with, and myself included, all of those pieces are a part of being ready for sexual connection, erotic connection in a physical context, and if that runway isn't really available to us and we aren't in a place where that feels good, then sex is probably not going to be on the table. And so I think understanding how does the hormonal cycle impact arousal, libido, desire, lubrication, things like that, are important. But also how does it impact how you feel relationally Super critical to understand, because sex is not just penetration, it's a way bigger thing to conceive or who are not wanting to conceive or who are, you know, falling anywhere on the spectrum between there.

Speaker 1:

right, that's such a huge mental, emotional impact too, where it's like maybe this isn't just a fun thing to connect, or to connect with your partner or with yourself or anything else like that but you know, it's like this is a task that we have to accomplish which has got a really bamboozle. Some people are that's a good opportunity to get to know yourself in that regard as well.

Speaker 2:

I think that's such a good point and I imagine you see this in your work. But for people who have been trying to conceive for a time period that feels longer than what they were prepared for, this can be really really tough and the associations that we have with sex get pretty mixed up in the feeling that this has to happen, or the pressure around it, or the disappointment If the ways in which people were trying to conceive did not lead to conception. It ends up getting really sort of, you know, really complicated associations there which can really affect the pleasure that people experience with some of that connection. Is that something that comes up for people that you're working with?

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I definitely have conversations with whether it's clients or like other gals that I meet out and about or see posts from who, yeah, if you're trying to conceive for three years and it's like such a heavy weight and I mean I'm sure that there are a lot of listeners who don't need me to say that to them, unfortunately, to know the feeling but, yeah, such a heavy weight and really changes the dynamic.

Speaker 1:

And you know, I'm not a mother myself but I imagine too, right, even after you grow your baby, have birth and you heal, then there's just so many opportunities in life to like reframe or adjust our relationship to sex. Actually, kind of on that note, because I'm thinking, of course we have our menstrual cycle and, like you were speaking to a minute ago, right, Someone's relationship or interest in sex will shift throughout the menstrual cycle. But there are other cycles in life too, right, Like pregnancy or I don't know, relationship dynamic changes. Are there any other cycles that kind of stick out to you that you see your clients go through a lot? I know it's kind of a specific question, but does that resonate with you at all? Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 2:

I think the cycle around childbirth is huge and I would add in, for people who have decided to nurse, there's a lot of hormonal changes around weaning. That can often affect people and how they feel in their bodies and how they feel sexually and how they feel in terms of connection. And then perimenopause is huge. When we're talking about cycles and changes in cycles and how we relate to our you know sort of sexual hormone cycles in general. I mean that's like a really big, like you know, puberty to you know the time that we have in between to perimenopause, to menopause, like the big cycle. I think that the ways that our hormone changes during perimenopause can impact us are so gigantic and I mean, finally we're getting a little bit more airtime around this, which is great, but absolutely the ways in which I am seeing people experience perimenopause changes in terms of identity and sexuality and what they want their relationships to look like, and creativity and artistic yearning Just so many pieces of who people are are really, really affected during that perimenopausal part of the cycle.

Speaker 1:

I think that perimenopause, like puberty right, that's a whole software upgrade for our brains it's puberty again which is really under-discussed and is certainly a service to menstruators to talk through that change and be aware that that's even happening, Because I was never taught about perimenopause until I started training in this field and learned about it. So I think that's such an important aspect that you mentioned of it. What would you say about, maybe, something that you run into a lot with your clients that you would love to de-stigmatize, like if you could wave a magic wand and be like sprinkle your fairy dust and help people to change their perception or become aware of something and de-stigmatize it like what, for you, is really salient?

Speaker 2:

for you is really salient. Yeah, I think for me, something that I I mean it keeps me going like something I absolutely love to see is when people can become a more free version of themselves, and usually we are unburdening people of stigma and shame, and I would say the thing that I would love for everyone to be able to feel is that, like, whatever it is that you're into is cool, like super freaky, super vanilla, whatever it is is like pretty great and pretty fantastic, and being able to embrace your body for what it likes and what it is is like really, really liberating.

Speaker 2:

And I don't think we have to be like every part of ourselves is perfect all of the time. And I'm just like you know, super body positivity constantly, and this is the way it exists in the world. I think that's too much pressure, I think that's unrealistic. I think that if we can just sort of like be able to respect our bodies for what they do for us and what they are and the pleasure that they're also able to experience, that would be my like.

Speaker 1:

That's my ted talk, you know that I love it thing that I would want everybody to know like, whatever it is, that is like getting you going great, like cool yeah, the word that keeps popping out to me is just compassion and having compassion for, like, whatever you're feeling right now or tomorrow or whatever things were like last month and, um, maybe being just kind of curious about what best serves you, I don't know. Yeah, let's be.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I, I totally agree, let's be flexible, right like let's allow yeah, I totally agree. Let's be flexible, right Like let's allow ourselves to change and evolve and feel differently and want different things at different times. I think that's something really valuable that the hormonal cycle can teach us is that we don't feel the same every day, and that doesn't mean that we're not ourselves or that we have to have a disrupted form of identity. It's just that we are complicated and that's really cool.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, we're allowed to be different every day and I think about that a lot. When it's like if I'm in a, I'm in like a bad mood, which is fine, because I'm a human, I'm allowed to have emotions and my boyfriend is so sweet but he'll like try to cheer me up and I'm like dog, I love you so much. But like I'm allowed to be in a different mood today than I was yesterday and yeah, that's my anecdote for the day. I guess I would love to talk about like one's connection to their own body and really feeling into that, or disconnection right on the other side of that coin. Do you have any recommendations for listeners?

Speaker 2:

who feel really disconnected from their bodies and maybe how they could start to reshape that connection with themselves and feeling more in tune. First, I really want to validate the experience of being disconnected from our bodies. We are living in a world which, I believe, fosters a lot of dissociation, and I also know that there are so many things that can happen to us that also are really traumatic, and dissociation is a really protective coping mechanism which, in many instances, is really lifesaving. And so dissociation and being disconnected from our bodies in many ways allows us to move forward from really difficult experiences, and so I really really want to validate this as a thing that happens, and it happens for a reason.

Speaker 2:

Where I see it get a little bit difficult is when the dissociative response is on all of the time, not just when we're asking for it to help us out or when it is helpful, and that's a really natural thing to have happen, especially if we've survived a lot of difficult experiences or traumatic experiences. Some of the things that we know can happen when we are in that dissociative state for, you know, good chunks of time, we have difficulty kind of knowing what our body needs. We have increased challenges in taking care of our body in advocating for ourselves, even in, you know, really kind of lower stakes scenarios, and sometimes that can lead to, you know, increased risk of psychological pain and some physical complications. So what we really want to do when we're talking about reconnecting with the body is find a balance that feels good so that we can have the best outcomes for ourselves and our bodies, and so I think starting slowly is really really helpful. So a common thing that I see in folks that I work with would be someone who has had some difficult experiences sexually in the past where they were not given the space to be able to fully participate in a conversation of consent, where they had to kind of repress what they wanted in order to feel like they could survive a situation and in which they had to endure something happening to their bodies that they did not want to be happening, and so we see that the body in a lot of those moments can kind of sort of turn off in a way, so that the thing that is happening is hopefully a little bit less intense than perhaps it has to be as a protective response. And so what I see after that and I think this is probably relatable to people who have experienced something like this in various different forms.

Speaker 2:

It's, you know, something that resonates with me is that we see that the body kind of goes into that dissociative space without us really asking it to. So it could be like a doctor's visit. We would see, you know, that dissociative response sort of like clicks on because we're feeling a bit vulnerable and somebody is touching our body. It could be a romantic relationship where we want to be present in our bodies, but it feels really hard to be. It could be another sexual experience that maybe this time we want, but our bodies are not really feeling as online as we want them to feel, and so pleasure isn't as accessible as we might want it to be. It could be a moment in which, just sort of like throughout the day, we're kind of noticing that we're kind of like going in and out feels a little bit gray, a little bit like we're zoning out and we don't really know exactly why, and so if any of these things are happening, we want to be super, super gentle in coming back into the body.

Speaker 2:

So what I think is really supportive is to practice really simple checking in with the body, not for a very long period of time and not more frequently than one would want to do. So I would recommend starting out once a day for about two minutes or less, and one of my favorite ways to do this is with a very brief body scan, which is just sort of starting at your toes, and I like to move bilaterally, so you're checking in on the right side of your body and the right side of your body and then left side of your body, each sort of like part of your body, moving all the way up to the crown of your head. So like super briefly noticing your toes on your sort of right and your left, your knees on your right and your left, all the way up, and that's it the end. And that's the place that we're starting. And I think, especially if people want to track, we practice this first before we're really getting into tracking and before we're really getting into how things feel in our body. We are starting there, and if two minutes of that is too much, then we go down to 30 seconds, and if checking in the whole body is too much, then we check in one part of our body one time a day and we just find the place that feels safe and accessible and then we build from there.

Speaker 2:

I feel like that was kind of a lengthy response. I loved it. Does that gentle approach, does that resonate?

Speaker 1:

with you? That definitely resonates with me. Does that resonate with you? That definitely resonates with me and it kind of reminds me of some experiences that I've had or that other people might have, when it comes to going through a guided meditation, right where you're doing a body scan. So maybe if somebody listening is going to do a body scan for the first time I don't know or you tell me if you would recommend, maybe if that extra like guidance, that voice, would kind of help them to walk through it, that could be a good tool.

Speaker 1:

The other thing I want to come back to, to make sure that I'm hearing you right and make it kind of salient, for this feeling of disconnection to me, or what I'm thinking is feeling disconnected from part of your body in that you're not really noticing, like you're just not really noticing what's happening, you're not thinking about that part of your body at all, as opposed or maybe that could be if there is some sort of pain, maybe with folks who have chronic pain, they're just like disregarding this part of their body and acting like it, not acting like it doesn't exist. But that self-protection method is how it comes to fruition. And then the last thing I'll mention and that you said too, is kind of that foggy feeling of like zoning out and just like having your head in the clouds kind of thing. Is that all, did I get that all right? Or is that are those the main kind of experiences, that that you understand people to have when they're experiencing that disconnection?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I think that dissociation can show up in so many unique ways.

Speaker 2:

I think these are some more common ways it can show up, and I think you're totally right If we're dealing with chronic pain and if there's a part of the body that feels particularly activating, worrisome, physically painful, what an adaptive response to be able to try to ignore it so that we can move forward with the things that we want to do. But you're right, there are definitely some times where we might want to reconnect some of that in a way that feels manageable. The same thing if we're talking about any type of sexual violence that one has survived or sexual trauma for a lot of people the genitals feel like really unavailable, and the pleasure that could possibly come with those parts of our bodies and the erotic connection also feels pretty unavailable. And so we could do some more focused work on being able to be present with some of those parts of the body and, depending on one's comfort level in doing this, they could add those in to the body scan as they see fit.

Speaker 2:

I would say if folks are feeling like engaging with some of the parts of their body that they have used dissociation to be sort of protective with, it might be helpful to do this with a clinician of some sort, just to have additional support and work through this, so that we're not doing too much at once and we're not kind of flooding our bodies with some sort of trauma response.

Speaker 2:

But if it's feeling okay, add in some of those parts to that body scan intentionally so that you're, you know doing toes, legs, you know moving up, and you could name parts of you know the pelvic genital area, you could name parts of your body where you do have that chronic pain association. You can give yourself that minute to notice them and then kind of like, move back into the rest of the body. That is also a pretty powerful way to just again. You're kind of just easing into noticing something without having to do anything with it, you're just observing it, and that can kind of allow us to be participating in our bodily experience in a different way and rewiring some of the associations that we have with those parts of our body.

Speaker 1:

I like what you said about just noticing, so really being curious and it sounds like not placing any type of judgment on whatever it is that you are noticing. It's just for information, it's just getting to know yourself better and increasing that relationship. From there feel great and that's maybe what they notice once or twice or maybe more often. But what might they want to do with that thought from there? Maybe this is something we can take out of the episode if I'm going in a weird direction.

Speaker 2:

No, I think that's such a common thing that happens, and in fact, I would add that because we live in a in an environment in which we are constantly receiving pretty specific messages about what our bodies are supposed to look like, what size they are supposed to be, what certain parts of our bodies are, you know, supposed to kind of fit into, many people, when doing even a very brief body scan on certain parts of their bodies, will automatically, very quickly have a thought of oh, my stomach is, you know, not the size it should be, and are really taken down a kind of rabbit hole in their own minds around that. The same thing with all of the parts of our bodies that we are again just like being like, constantly told should look and feel a certain way. And so I think, for any person who's spending some time just noticing parts of their body, it is super common to have your thoughts go in one direction. Or you're noticing hey, I'm really uncomfortable with this part of their body. It is super common to have your thoughts go in one direction or you're noticing hey, I'm really uncomfortable with this part of my body, what's going on? What does that tell me? How should I feel? What do I do with this? How can I fix this right? These are really common thoughts that would come up and ideally, what we're trying to do here is just say, okay, I am noticing my thoughts are going down this rabbit hole. I'm going to refrain from going down that rabbit hole with them, and so you would bring your thought back to okay, I noticed my belly, I'm going to move up.

Speaker 2:

And next I'm noticing my arms, and again popping up into my mind would potentially be my arms are not as strong as they should be, my arms are too flabby, my arms are like these, like endless terrible messages that we are fed, and I would say, okay, I noticed that thought.

Speaker 2:

I'm going to go back to noticing the sensations in my arms. Are they tense? I'm moving up to my shoulders, I'm noticing the sensations on my right and my left shoulder and my mind might be going a million different places, but I'm just going to attempt to allow those thoughts to be released and come back to noticing the sensations in the body, and some people find it helpful to um, when they're doing the body scan, name some of those sensations, and so those might be like um, like really observable, neutral things like what temperature does your skin feel like, you know, is there tension, is there tingling? Um, what does it feel like, you know, to move your shoulders if you need to right, Like really neutral body focus sensations. But yes, that happens, of course, that happens all the time for people. Does that answer your question? Was that kind of where you were going?

Speaker 1:

No, that totally answers my question. I was just wondering if the answer was going to be work with a practitioner, which is obviously a great recommendation, but I was just like I wonder how. I wonder how on your own, you know somebody's navigating that within their own mind like what's the right way to well to handle that well and spiral in the right direction.

Speaker 2:

Yeah Well, what we're essentially doing is retraining the associations that we have with being present with our body, because for many of us, being present with our body is an overwhelming barrage of these types of thoughts I don't look the way I'm supposed to. I don't feel the way I'm supposed to, my body isn't the size it's supposed to be. This pain is so overwhelming I'm never going to be okay again. This thing happened to me. I'm never going to feel pleasure again. A person treated me this way. That means I'm not valuable, that means I don't have worth.

Speaker 2:

And so, when that is happening automatically all of the time, without us really realizing it, we have all of these really difficult experiences of being present with our body. And if that's what we're thinking when we pay attention to our bodies, of course we're not going to be spending a lot of time with our bodies. I mean, that's like a nightmare world, and so I think what we're doing is giving ourselves a chance to rewire those associations, and we're not putting pressure on ourselves for everything to feel fantastic all of the time. We're just in a neutral space of being able to notice what our body is feeling, which is thrilling, and I think we can all do that on our own. I think involvement clinicians it's fantastic, but I think this is a thing that most of us can practice ourselves.

Speaker 1:

I want to mention one thing, and then maybe we can talk about cycle tracking and how that impacts everything that we're talking about or how it relates to it. Um, but my last thought here is just about self-talk and how we I mean just how we relate to ourselves and what our thoughts are, whether it's during I mean, of course, while it's during that actual body scan, but throughout the rest of the day too. So you've touched on this a bit, but I wonder if, do you have like, when you're working with clients, do you recommend that they do any kind of daily affirmations or anything like that?

Speaker 2:

that will really help them to be more kind and compassionate towards themselves, us to feel this way, whether it is a broader, maybe capitalist, system of kind of predatory, kind of like beauty culture, whether it is like a bigger system of misogyny, whether it is maybe like a really difficult lived experience that we've had where someone actually told us terrible things like that.

Speaker 2:

I think it's really helpful to be able to say where are these voices coming from and how do I feel about them, because we might be able to very clearly say I actually fully disagree with that system. Why is it getting to me so much and why has it turned into my own internal voice? And from that point, I think the way that we get to change that is again like very liberating, and I think it's is unfortunately on us to do this work. It shouldn't be that we're burdened with this, but here we are and I like to make room for all of the feelings that go with that. But these external voices are often just such bullshit and I would love for us all to be able to engage with that, use our critical thinking, see what resonates with our own values, and the last thing I'll say is that that also 100% relates to sex and the way we see ourselves as sexual beings as well.

Speaker 1:

When I think of how this kind of would look for me in real life which maybe this is because I live by myself or, you know, with my cat but when I'm like, if I'm working on a task and I'm just actually not working, I'm like not focusing, I'm out loud talking to myself like, okay, bridget, why is it that you can't focus on this? Is it because you know I am like blah, blah, blah, but maybe kind of the same thing for somebody who does I don't know if that resonates with them to be like okay, catherine, or whatever your name is like, why do I think that my body isn't the right shape? And I don't want to restate all the examples that you just said, but maybe that could be an easy, like accessible tool for folks to have that conversation with themselves and make it a productive reflection.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely. I think that's such a fantastic example and to be able to say to themselves and what prompted me to feel this way right now? Right, so we're really kind of connecting all of the dots. Why, out of nowhere, am I feeling this way, or did something happen? And then the next question is who's telling me this and how do I feel about that? I think that is such a great way to approach this. I love that.

Speaker 1:

Switching to talking about cycle tracking too. For anybody who does track their cycle out there and knows when they're in their luteal phase that seven to 10 days or so before their period they're probably familiar with the fact that they may be more critical of themselves during that time and they may have wintier thoughts and reflections on their experience during that time reflections on their experience during that time. So I can definitely I mean for one of the gazillion reasons that cycle tracking is valuable. That could certainly be one of them. For listeners who listened to last week's episode, of course, they heard our conversation about your new book, the Cycle Book. So let's talk about cycle tracking and how this comes into your work with clients. Or for somebody who's listening, how can cycle tracking like really serve them when it comes to looking at desire, libido, confidence or anything else that we've jotted through?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I think that there are two huge things that cycle tracking does when we're talking about sexuality. One, you are paying attention to those aspects of your daily experience with intention and like we've, you know, kind of like gone off on a tangent, on which I'm so glad we did. Being able to be present with your body is a huge piece of all of this. And so asking yourself daily to notice was I feeling horny? Was I having fantasies Like, what was I feeling when I was connecting erotically maybe with another person? Was I turned on? What did pleasure feel like for me? These are conversations that we're often not having in an intentional manner.

Speaker 2:

So the first thing that I think is so incredible for is just prompting you to notice these positive erotic experiences for yourself, the presence of them or the absence of them.

Speaker 2:

And then the second thing that is so powerful is being able to see if there are hormonally related patterns that you can use to support your sexual goals.

Speaker 2:

And so, for someone who is maybe looking to increase the amount of sexual pleasure in their life and they are wanting to connect with arousal and desire, if there are hormonal phases, a very common one for a lot of people is the ovulatory phase where they are going to see an increase in desire, an increase in arousal, and sometimes the physical act of sex can feel different as well During that phase. It's great to be able to say like, oh, actually there's this chunk of time pretty much every cycle where I am feeling much more interested in sex. That is a fantastic thing to know about If you're noticing, when you're trying to connect those patterns, that there are other things that are going on really fantastic to know. So I think the two huge things are being able to intentionally literally listen to your body and notice when you're feeling those good things. And the second thing is to find the patterns that exist for you. I mean huge, like gigantic for so many people who are trying to change how things feel for them sexually.

Speaker 1:

I know that the cycle book also includes charts or, yes, charts for like a year's worth of cycles too, so that could be a really good asset for folks out there who want to see, just like you said, the pattern across multiple months and how that presents for them. Or maybe that's just a tool that they can use or bring to conversation with a therapist or with another support system that they have.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I think for anyone working with a pelvic floor physical therapist or anyone working with an acupuncturist around, some of how this feels, anyone working with a midwife or an OBGYN, like these are really valuable things to be able to bring into the conversation, to be able to say I'm also noticing some of these patterns. What do we want to do with that when we're really designing a great treatment? I think that this can just be so, so helpful for the clinicians working with folks too.

Speaker 1:

I think that it really goes along the same lines of what we've talked about for most of our conversation today, of course, of like, how can you connect with yourself and know yourself better and look for those patterns? And for me or maybe other like sort of type A folks out there who love to be able to plan ahead for like, what is future Bridget going to be, like or want, or not want.

Speaker 1:

It can be a really, really great tool. I just want to open it up If there's anything else as we kind of get ready to wrap up here that you really want to share with the listeners, and so I'll just turn it over to you for anything that might be top of mind.

Speaker 2:

Well, thank you so much for having this conversation. I appreciate being on your podcast so much. Um I I think the the thing that I would really want to share with everyone is that wherever you might be in your relationship with your body is a great place to start. I think people feel really intimidated by embarking on the process of maybe reconnecting with their body or doing something like tracking, and I think that this can be a process that is adapted to whoever, wherever they're at, and it should be pressure-free and supportive and pretty chill. So I want to make sure that anything that I may have said but made any of this sound intimidating in any way. I want to make sure that it's very clear that this is like a super simple, really easy, yet super powerful thing that anyone can do wherever they're at.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, really accessible for everybody. How would somebody know, or like a listener who's like, oh my gosh, laura sounds amazing. I love her so much, but how do I know if I should work with her? What is the thing that cues most people to say, okay, let me look for a sex and relationship therapist who can support me along the journey? What should people look out for?

Speaker 2:

I think people often wait until they are at a point in which things feel so painful that they feel there is no other option and absolutely, therapy is there for all of those acute, know, kind of grappling with elements of their sexuality. Um, a person doesn't have to be in a relationship, um, to pursue sex therapy. Um, I I think that if there are questions, if there are things that feel in any way emotionally or physically painful for you when it comes to your sexuality, check out therapy, see how you feel, do a consultation call with the therapist and, um, you know, see what it's like to even begin talking about some of these things. Often it's a huge relief just to be able to say some of these things out loud. So, you know, don't wait, if you don't want to, until it feels really really, really, really tough. I think that this is great whenever some of that questioning starts.

Speaker 1:

So that's it for my conversation with Laura today. Don't forget, go on over to thecyclebookcom so you can order the Cycle Book. You can also learn more about Laura by going to her website, laurafedericotherapycom. Morgan, she's also the co-author of the book. She's at softcornermidwiferycom and you can connect with both of them on Instagram at the cycle book. I want to mention too because Laura and I talked about this after we stopped recording but she mentioned Lori Brado, who has really great resources.

Speaker 1:

If you are somebody who you want that guidance, that you know the guided. What is the word I'm looking for? Like mindfulness when it comes to really connecting with your body, doing that body scan. So, in addition to the cycle book, laura Federico Therapy and Soft Corner Midwifery you'll also see a link to Lori Brado's offerings in the show notes. Final note here, come as you Are, is another resource that we talked about after finishing recording that it's a book by Emily Nagoski. That can also hopefully be a really good tool for you to connect with yourself, connect with what it is that you like. So check that out.

Speaker 1:

Okay, guys, thank you so much for listening. I'm really grateful for those of you especially who made it all the way to the end here. Connect with me on Instagram at Bridget Walton, and also, if you're listening in real time, you still have time to register for my Stress Less in 2025 meal prep training program, which is going to start on February 2nd. So if meal prep is something that you really wanna get under your belt and you want to be good at finally, this year's your year then check out the link in the show notes to join in on the fun. All right, we'll see you next time.